Asking Eric: He’s using our mom as a therapist, dumping all his darkness and drama on her

Dear Eric I am the oldest of three siblings all in our s I am very close to my middle brother Both of us have spouses and young adult children Related Articles Asking Eric The parents refuse to cut their trip short despite their teen s dilemma Asking Eric I m annoyed that this co-worker keeps barging in on me Asking Eric The latest of my friends to vanish had been acting strange on our walk Asking Eric My children are getting stupider and I despair of leaving them my hard-earned money Asking Eric A cemetery guard ruined my father s funeral and that was just the start The two of us would like to build a similar relationship with our youngest brother but instead we both have made functioning decisions to create firm boundaries of time and distance from him as he is consistently negative when speaking about all aspects of his life He complains constantly and he creates unpleasant drama where there is none He will not consider therapy assistance groups or any gentle suggestion with regard to how he could improve his mood We lost our dad to Alzheimer s last year Our younger brother the closest to him staunchly refused to prepare himself in any way for the death although we urged him to do so He is now using our elderly mother as a therapist talking to her for hours on end about all his worries and anxieties This is a huge burden on her and we have discussed it She is enabling him and she agrees that this is true but cannot stop herself Her decision I know his grief has exacerbated his existing problems I believe he has undiagnosed mental illness We want to protect our mother from spending her final years with all her bliss obscured by his darkness We have tried encouragement extra attention less attention everything It is a constant source of stress and sadness and we have decided we need therapy even if he excludes the possibility What do you advise At Our Wit s End Dear Wit s End I feel sad for your mom and for your brother they re stuck in tough positions Knowing that there are solutions available and being able to avail oneself of those solutions are sometimes two very different things Therapy for yourself is a good idea It will help you to process the frustration and grief you re feeling about your brother s behavior It will also help you accept your mother s decision to be a sounding board for your brother Acceptance will free you from the desire to change it or her and will presumably make it easier for you to bring a much-needed happiness into your mother s life Dear Eric I m part of a group that meets up on a regular basis to engage in a hobby These gatherings have been a great refuge for me We have enjoyable absorbing conversations and a great rapport One friend Rose has started including her daughter Tracy in selected of these gatherings which has changed the group dynamic and frankly made things not fun anymore Tracy is immature for her age early s is very negative and critical and she frequently interrupts to steer conversations to herself among other rude behaviors Rose never addresses Tracy s poor manners I feel for Tracy as she doesn t have a job nor does she seem to have any friends of her own but she s an adult and these are her choices Ordinarily I m an inclusive person but I ve reached a latest point concerning Tracy I could speak directly and kindly to Tracy when she s disruptive or talk to Rose about why she doesn t correct her daughter s poor behavior But Rose has publicly thrown things back in my face in the past so I can t imagine what would happen if I called out her daughter in front of her or suggested that her daughter is ill-mannered I could bow out of events that Tracy will attend but it d be awkward to ask Rose in advance if Tracy s going then say I can t go I cherish these friends and want to continue meeting up with them but I can t think of a good resolution to this situation Anti-Social Group Dear Group It sounds like Rose and Tracy have challenging aspects to their personalities Perhaps both are related to mental wellbeing conditions or neurodivergence perhaps not But it s likely that Rose is bringing Tracy as a way of helping her daughter tackle social challenges So you may feel differently if you apply another standard to Tracy Related Articles Dear Abby Please tell people that there s no friendship after divorce Asking Eric The parents refuse to cut their trip short despite their teen s problem Harriette Cole I can t be happy when I m with my childless friends Miss Manners What s the best way to dodge a fishy hug And what if they chase me Dear Abby We re not even married and she s pestering me about my clothes and eating Going into your meetings with the thought Tracy is doing her best and Rose is doing what she thinks is best puts you in a different mindset than the thought Tracy s bad manners ruin my time It also sets you up to potentially have a conversation with Rose that isn t focused on chastising but rather on accommodating everyone s requirements yours and Tracy s included I don t want to put this all on you I recognize the frustration you re feeling But more often than not we re the only ones we can change Accepting that this is what Rose has chosen to do will help you let go of what you expect from the group and work with what is Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com