Harriette Cole: He’s flaky and brooding but I can’t stay away

DEAR HARRIETTE I had an intense relationship with a special man for nearly a year and then he ghosted me A limited months later he came back but it has never been the same Related Articles Harriette Cole I can t be happy when I m with my childless friends Harriette Cole I can t get over what my child declared about my drinking Harriette Cole The caption on my middle-schooler s TikTok selfie shocked me Harriette Cole How do I talk to my roommate about this daily disruption Harriette Cole My twins are getting snappish over college acceptance He indicates that his life is complicated right now which includes him being out of work I reported him I could deal with that for a while at least if he was attentive in other methods but he has flaked a lot when it comes to showing up for me I can t figure out how I got caught up with him Yes he has certain great qualities but right now he is distant brooding and aloof I inevitably think I can say or do something that can get somebody to change but I think I m deluding myself My dilemma is I will give up and stop obsessing over him but then something will happen and I feel compelled to contact him again and the cycle continues How can I break away from him emotionally for good Bad for Me DEAR BAD FOR ME Stop for a moment and sit still Think about yourself and what you deserve What kind of partner do you want Somebody who will show up for you and tend to your heart or somebody who for whatever reason is not physically or emotionally present for you Who is this man Based on what you have described he does not sound like he is able to be the person you want and need You didn t say that he has urged you to wait for him to get himself together so stop playing tennis with yourself If he cannot hit the ball back to you for instance being responsive directly to you as you need you must accept that he is not your guy The way to break emotionally from him is to stop engaging him Don t dial his number Don t stalk him on social media Don t walk down the street he lives on or go to the places you think he may turn up Let go and move on with your life DEAR HARRIETTE Your response to Yes-Woman the reader who is constantly petitioned to help because she inevitably says yes was excellent I used to be that person Saying no is hard But I learned to say I m sorry I just won t be able to do that Then the other person will usually ask why That s when I say Well that s rather complicated I m sure you understand Then change the subject Asking them a question works well In the Know DEAR IN THE KNOW Thanks for the response My guess is that when one dares to push back and say no a lot of people are so taken aback that they just back off and don t even ask why Related Articles Dear Abby I realize now why the others refused to go on my sister s outings Asking Eric He s using our mom as a therapist dumping all his darkness and drama on her Dear Abby Please tell people that there s no friendship after divorce Asking Eric The parents refuse to cut their trip short despite their teen s predicament Harriette Cole I can t be happy when I m with my childless friends We have to stop apologizing for the natural human need to take care of ourselves When we put our demands first and learn how to care for ourselves we create honest space for helping others to the best of our ability That varies depending on what we have to do People do understand that about themselves but if you are a people-pleaser you will notice that you are held to a different standard Saying no can seem shocking to your friends Help them get used to it Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams You can send questions to askharriette harriettecole com or c o Andrews McMeel Syndication Walnut St Kansas City MO